a turkey on thanksgiving

So, these ideals of "thanks giving" actually hit home with me pretty well, even if the history (& occasional images) behind the whole holiday is/are distasteful and disturbing. Appreciating what you have - I can't help wondering if that's because I have less or more than others. Maybe because I've been on both sides of things. I'd say financially I'm way up, globally speaking. I feel more than a bit family poor, and that's regardless of whether I'd try to be around them or not: here drowning in bittersweet melancholy and romanticized hope, there abused and angry. It would be really nice to break into clean, clear reality, like the cool wind hitting my face as the sun warms my body on a great day. I wish I always had the happiness I feel rushing through my heart when I'm out on my bike on a day like that.

Anyway, today as a treat to myself I didn't sleep in too late, made myself a yummy, healthy breakfast, listened to two of my newest, favorite albums, watched a silly, sexy, romantic movie, and, when I realized "I'm so jaded!" said it, laughed at it, said it louder, laughed again and kind of danced like the lovely silly goof I know I can be when I've got me all alone. I was just about to go out for a bike ride, but when I finally went out to bring in the last of the plants, realized it has become incredibly cold outside. Well, maybe I'll bundle up and go for a while anyway. I'm pretty much just talking to myself at this point.

The point in sitting down to write today was to remember that I made the best I could of what might otherwise have been a pretty crappy day, and I feel pretty happy about things overall, so - yeah - shut up and smile. :)

Obligatory update

I've been feeling things lately, a certain cohesion and momentum, though occasional anxiety, and things are going really pretty well while I'm realizing I can't be 'perfect' but just doing my best and being far more present. I think really explaining all of what I'm feeling and going through right now is kind of beyond words at the moment; I'm really so in the middle of it all. I think there may be a turning point coming up some point soon, or at least I know I'm looking forward to breathing at the end of this semester. I have taken the time to build a social life I like, and my confidence, self-comfort, and trust in humanity has grown because of it, so thank you all my new friends out there - I love you! I'm constantly having to rededicate myself to school, so it's always an upcoming struggle, but I can tell I'm committed (and it shows). Work is more complicated, but I'm proving myself to be competent in whatever I do (or needs to be done). I'll probably start looking for another campus/student job soon as a way to move beyond Katie and into more areas of interest, but I know I will miss miss miss the plants. Glad I've got my own little tribe of plants around me. Maybe even if I don't get this insect job, I should start keeping insects. Goodness knows breeding crickets here would be helpful and save me a lot of hassle and money all the time, but I'd rather keep something like the hissing cockroaches Ben used to have or preying mantis or caterpillars - just something interesting.

Anyway - beginning to ramble on, but I felt this period of time shouldn't go undocumented in some way, even if it's only as a learning tool to jog my memory. So, it's 10pm; it's been a busy weekend and is going to be an even busier week. Time to hit the sack.

Good night.

In a muddle

So, I've been a little strange the last few days. I wanted something, and I felt as though I went for it and started to get the response I wanted, but then froze. I couldn't help feeling sort of manipulative, but on the other hand I think I might also have a tendency to lump free will, understanding consequences, and getting what I want (all in combination) under manipulatively suspect activities. I guess, in the end, I wasn't sure that's what I wanted, or at least I wasn't expecting to actually get it. I'm more convinced than ever that I need to fix some things internally, which means being alone I think, and I haven't craved individual human interaction so much in my life as right now. Or do I need to put myself out there more, and that's the issue? I definitely feel some fear related to that.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm "in a muddle." I've also been watching "Room with a View" somewhat obsessively (though that's at least partly due to it's being one of the only things interesting to watch in the house), eating bad things for me, and overthinking things.

At least I've been forcing myself out of the house, slept in my car at the lake surrounded by thunderstorms (after buying myself a peach rose), rode my bike yesterday and ate a healthy dinner, and am about to take a jacuzzi soak, after which I'm going to get off my ass to water the greenhouses and feed my friend's cats.

I hate when I'm this turned upside down, and I hate what brought it on - not any person, but my own issues.

I can't help noticing my voice, my word choice, and my audience are all different in this post than in the others. I guess I'm just trying to get my voice back - I think it got lost when I couldn't catch my breath. Augh!!!!!!!!! Erg!!!!!

Reality over romanticism - what about when the two meet?

Chemistry, attraction, and all other things frustrating & desirable

Someone sat next to me the other day, and the half of my body next to him went numb. Well, not numb, but paralytic. I wanted him to talk to me, show me attention, and he did. I wanted him to sit next to me and, even though it was surprising, to put his thigh so incredibly close to mine. So why did I freeze up? How can I not do that again? Will there be another opportunity in which to do things differently? How can I talk to him about this, and should I? Am I making a big deal of nothing?

The men in my life resurface

I just got off the phone from talking with my Dad, then Butch Holsey, then Lukas. Wow. That is a lot of intense familial contact in one session. I spent over an hour on the phone. It was fantastic.

Talking with my Dad was a bit stinted. He has his jargon, and that's pretty much how he speaks anymore. It sucks, but there were moments where is was just me talking to my Dad, albeit estranged. I was really glad to be able to tell him I'm doing so well. He seems to have a pattern going that works for him, something I'd probably call a rut, but if he's happy then I'm happy for him. What I wonder about, though is if he's really happy, or if he even really knows what that is anymore.

Butch, sort of my surrogate dad from forever ago, is in town with his new wife for some old friends of the family (The Blivens) 50th wedding anniversary. We've had a special bond since I was a tiny little girl, and he loves me. It was fantastic hearing all the things I wish my dad had said coming out of his mouth, things like "as long as you're safe and happy." He talked about his culture (growing up black & in the south) and how that influences his thinking about family, and now I think I know where I got so many of my values. He lives in California, we exchanged numbers, and he told me if I ever needed anything to call him. Even if sometimes it feels like "what could we possibly have in common anymore?" it's amazing to know there is someone out there willing to cross that chasm consistently over and over again. There is a picture on the Sunflower House snack kitchen fridge door that I drew one night that I was nearly too drunk to remember having drawn it, and it is of Butch's face. What a positively fantastic person.

Lukas (my nephew) came in while I was on the phone with Butch, so I got to talk to him for a while. He speaks a little strangely and stilted, but I'll give you a few guesses where that comes from. He opened up to me about a falling out with his mom (my sister, who I also happen to have a falling out with at the moment). I think I said things I'm proud of with reference to that, both validating his feelings, not disrespecting his mother, but being realistic, and understanding that this whole thing could be made up. Lukas has been known to do that. I got his number again (I lost it in the last phone smashing) and promised to call tomorrow to see about his coming to stay here over some break.

So, wow, I reconnected with some family. I'm kind of glad my mom wasn't there. I would have been too tempted to talk to her, and she is really the hardest to talk to with out unhealthy patterns cropping up. Maybe I'll try talking to dad again sometime, but I doubt he'll ever be able to talk like Butch does, so I'm glad I talked with Butch.

That's about it. It'll be a while before I've gotten enough space and perspective to know if there's anything else I think about all this.

Oh! And by the way - I've pretty much quit my therapist. She wasn't helping out much anyway. Yahoo!

Moments of clarity on a brisk night

I've been having conversations with a friend lately. Tonight was our second one. They begin by talking about sexual issues & consent and end up a little further from the center of the map. Honestly, I whine a lot about my problems with the human condition and she tries to give me some perspective. It's less authoritative than going to my therapist, and far more helpful. In fact, I'm thinking about quitting therapy, at least temporarily; if it's taught me anything it's that I usually have most of the answers, and the ones I don't have can generally be summed up in the word "patience." Life is a journey; slow down & enjoy the scenery. Tonight I got that.

At our conversation tonight I focused on being real, honest, in the moment, and relaxed. It didn't happen the whole time, but just often enough to make a difference. We were talking about that painful & precarious situation when you have "feelings" for someone and they don't exactly return them. In fact, they're not interested. But say you still have a relationship of some sort: friends, housemates, workmates, neighbors, student/teacher, etc.? You can't simply avoid the person and, let's face it, you don't really want to. In fact, you can't help staring dreamily at the other person as they scrape the encrusted eggs off the plate they've had sitting in their room for the last three weeks; you begin to imagine them scraping the eggs off a plate in your dream cabin in the woods, the kids playing outside and, of course, having wild passionate sex right there in the kitchen. You know the way they smell, the mole on the back of their thigh, and you can practically feel them nibbling on your ear.

Snap back to reality, though, and suddenly you realize the chasm separating the relationship you're having with this person in your head and the actual relationship you have with this person in real life. And it's conspicuously lacking in passionate sexual encounters in the kitchen. The thing is, while it's perfectly okay to have fantasies about whatever floats your boat & gets you off, you're only making the present situation worse by feeding a romance that simply is not happening. It isn't. Say it to yourself. I am not having sex with this person. I am not snuggling up against them in the middle of the night and feeling the coldness of my nose in that warm area around the back of their neck. I've never even actually felt that area of their neck and, for all I know, it could not even exist. We did not just escape to Paris last weekend, and it is terribly unlikely that I will ever carry their child. I will never have to worry about introducing them to my parents or meeting theirs. Chances are good we will never, ever, ever kiss. Our relationship isn't within 700 miles of being anything like this.

But it's not all bad. While you've been dwelling on all the things you're not doing (and turning them into wet dreams), you're entirely missing what part you do play in each other's lives. You're taking them for granted. And that's a shame because someone to split the bills with or say "hi" to when you pass in the park or to teach you valuable information and answer questions about something you're interested in is not chopped liver. That has value too, not just hot kitchen sex (which isn't happening, by the way).

So this is the long drawn out version of just a short part of our conversation, but it obviously stuck with me and packed a hard punch. And to tell you the truth, to see all that fantasy fly out the door was a huge relief. Talk about a one-sided relationship! Reality's a hard thing to get used to living in all the time especially when so much of my life has been lived and nurtured in a complete fantasy (I'm not just talking about the sexual kind here). Tonight I made a point of being here, there, wherever I was at that point and just taking it for what it was and, though it was sometimes hard or fleeting, I kept coming back to it & finding it easier every time. I bumped into my biology lab instructor who I have a decent-sized crush on, so tonight had it's challenges. But a few (hundred) more times to practice, and I think I might have this down.

Anyway, things felt a good bit clearer tonight on & off and that's well worth reporting for me.

This horse is too high

There's a zine I have at home Krys gave me a long time ago. It's called "Dysfunction Junction" and it has all kind of information I agree with related to people connecting to each other and society in general. One thing it says, though, that I've had trouble practicing is "It's okay to pick & choose your friends, but judge not."

Today, after getting pretty annoyed with Sunflower Bike shop, I headed over to Jefferson's for some crayfish & fried pickles. Both of the outside tables were occupied, one surrounded by girls, the other with jut one guy at it. I wanted to sit outside pretty badly (at least partly to read for school), so I figured he might not mind sharing a table. The waitress at the bar confirmed that (he works there). When I asked, he was pretty friendly, which was nice. This is not a story about him, but rather the girls at the other table.

They were the sorority type: bleached hair (2/4), thin, fashionably dressed, whining about nothing to each other. I couldn't help listening in a little bit as one chatted on her cell phone; really, it was nearly impossible not to eavesdrop given her volume & tone. I was just beginning to sneer when I realized nearly anybody could be having the conversation she was having; the speech patterns were all that were different, a sign of her culture. This was the first moment of cohesion.

The girls continued to chat: some mild drama they were turning into something bigger. I applaud the guy for not being dragged into it when they tried, though that may just be 'appropriate male activity.' That topic died down as it became apparent (more from the way they teased each other than any major loss of composure) that they were drunk, one girl more than the others.

The drunkest girl was, by far, though, the nicest & most outgoing. She mentioned that one girl (not at the table) tended to embarass everyone, but that the embarassing activities also endeared her to everyone. Maybe she was speaking from experience. Many dressed up people started to walk by, groups in quick succession, some of the more dressed-up women with small boquets. Emily (or was it Amanda? - she introduced herself later) started offering her congratulations to anyone obviously in the wedding party (despite the conspicuous absense of any bride). She pulled the waitress back when she noticed I wanted another beer. She introduced herself, asked about my book, and offered suggestions for some she'd recently read (admitting they were the only two she'd read in a year). She'd just graduated KU, and asked about my major. One of her other friends felt obligated to mention her name in the introductions, though without any tangible warmth. Conversely, Emily/Amanda reached out to shake my hand & smiled.

Do I expect these girls to say hi next time we pass in the street? No, I don't even expect them to remember me. Obviously, I can't even remember their names. But for that moment, two people really unlikely to ever communicate or connect did. And for that, I have "Dysfunction Junction," beer, and a desire against fragmentation to thank.

Welcome

English - intro assignment: Use your own experience to reflect on the greater world. Written in class. I didn't particularly like what I came up with; it seemed too whinny or self-pitying. Got me thinking, though.

Since I quit being a Jehovah's Witness I've tried to cast off any affiliation with that cult. It's strange, because I also feel the need to mention it to people more often than even I think seems reasonable. Admittedly, it's often as a way of explaining oddity. (It's worth mentioning that I derive some pleasure from referring to it as "a Jehovah's Witness" instead of "one of Jehovah's Witnesses," a fine difference mostly only insiders would get.)

Anyway, I realized the other day that this was all really kind of stupid. I was one for over 20 years, and in a lot of ways I'm culturally still one today. Acting as though all that's not still influencing me is silly, and I don't need to feel bad about it. I mean, it doesn't influence me enough to think that men have some god-given right to rule their families or that homosexuality is wrong or that Armageddon really is right around the bend and there are 144,000 people up in a heaven with a god, even if those images do sometimes strike me. But it does influence me in other ways: I grew up looking forward to a world where there would be no war or starvation or even violence among animals. They'd encourage us to have goals for our unending lives. Mine was that I wanted to have been on every square inch of this earth, and I still want that today! Nowadays, of course, I realize it would be pretty much impossible to accomplish in one lifetime, but I can edit that into a reasonable goal: visit as much of this planet as possible. Now I just need to get on that! I understand now that 'violence' between animals is natural, but I've gotten a greater understanding about the violence we perpetrate on animals, and I'm gradually doing what I can to keep out of that loop. The sleeping with a tiger goal may not ever happen, but I have really nice dreams about it, and that's almost as nice (and without all the hair & claws).

I also got lucky never having been taught an afterlife (except resurrection) or a hell, so it's pretty easy to accept that when we die, we just die. The whole resurrection thing does make it easier to conceptualize death & rebirth, though, so sometimes I placate myself with the thought of reincarnation. Literally, reincarnation is true in the sense that I am a carbon-based life form that will decompose at some point and be 'reincarnated' in some other form of life, such as the nutrients into a plant's root system. Or the water in my body will seep into the ground & be used by plants, or animals, or evaporate and fall as rain. That kind of reincarnation; it may or may not carry some "essence of Erika." It's also a big part of why I'm against being stuck in a coffin, essentially an air-tight vault stuck inside another vault, then buried. The only way I'd be reincarnated in one of those is when, eventually, the whole load would sink far enough into the earth to reach the mantle and begin to depressurize & melt which would be, in the most literal sense, Hell (melting rock & all that). The kind of reincarnation I'll occassionally indulge in to placate myself is the less vague kind, the Hindu kind, but I'm not really sure that I believe that as much as enjoy the thought. That comes up more often when I think about the first 20 or so somewhat wasted years of my life and that I'd like to innately understand what I know now in another go at life.

Anyway, all these things (& more) shape me, often in good ways. I know I've got the gumption to be an activist specifically because I was taught to be one, albeit for a different cause. My sense of integrity and the love I feel for all kinds of people is directly linked to being raised a JW (or at least a Christian) and buying into it at one point. And I'm grateful for those things.

So, the plan is to stop denying who and what I am and just accept myself, even if I'm not the ideal for what I'd like to be. The sooner I start accepting, the sooner I can understand what I have to offer and do something with that.

That's the plan. Now for the hard part: the execution of the plan.