In a muddle

So, I've been a little strange the last few days. I wanted something, and I felt as though I went for it and started to get the response I wanted, but then froze. I couldn't help feeling sort of manipulative, but on the other hand I think I might also have a tendency to lump free will, understanding consequences, and getting what I want (all in combination) under manipulatively suspect activities. I guess, in the end, I wasn't sure that's what I wanted, or at least I wasn't expecting to actually get it. I'm more convinced than ever that I need to fix some things internally, which means being alone I think, and I haven't craved individual human interaction so much in my life as right now. Or do I need to put myself out there more, and that's the issue? I definitely feel some fear related to that.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm "in a muddle." I've also been watching "Room with a View" somewhat obsessively (though that's at least partly due to it's being one of the only things interesting to watch in the house), eating bad things for me, and overthinking things.

At least I've been forcing myself out of the house, slept in my car at the lake surrounded by thunderstorms (after buying myself a peach rose), rode my bike yesterday and ate a healthy dinner, and am about to take a jacuzzi soak, after which I'm going to get off my ass to water the greenhouses and feed my friend's cats.

I hate when I'm this turned upside down, and I hate what brought it on - not any person, but my own issues.

I can't help noticing my voice, my word choice, and my audience are all different in this post than in the others. I guess I'm just trying to get my voice back - I think it got lost when I couldn't catch my breath. Augh!!!!!!!!! Erg!!!!!

Reality over romanticism - what about when the two meet?

Chemistry, attraction, and all other things frustrating & desirable

Someone sat next to me the other day, and the half of my body next to him went numb. Well, not numb, but paralytic. I wanted him to talk to me, show me attention, and he did. I wanted him to sit next to me and, even though it was surprising, to put his thigh so incredibly close to mine. So why did I freeze up? How can I not do that again? Will there be another opportunity in which to do things differently? How can I talk to him about this, and should I? Am I making a big deal of nothing?